When foreigners come, especially the white folks, most people want a piece of them. You’d think it’s a competition from taxi drivers hustling to show them around to girls hustling to get themselves a foreigner boyfriend to tour agents, the list is endless.
I often write that I’m a very good observer and judge of character. And if you’re like me, then you must have observed that there are different types of Mzungus in Kenia…
Here are some you’re sure to come across:1. The backpacker
This is the mzungu who is probably doing a tour of Africa on a budget. All his possessions are in his backpack and he has one cargo pants and dirty sneakers. He looks like the last time he had a shower was a month ago. Nairobi thieves don’t even bother to approach the backpacker. If they stole his bag, they’d only end up with a tent, water bottle, dirty sneakers and a passport.
2. The hustling missionary
This is the mzungu in Kenya for a church-related mission or should I say ‘church-related mission?’. He will be in matatus all day selling some books with a funny yet adorable Swahili accent. I’m I the only one who wonders why they sell the books at whatever cost? “pesa yoyote uko nayo tafadhali…” *insert accent*
3. The mwenyeji
This one has been here for a while now. Probably arrived as a volunteer. He knows Swahili, even Kikuyu. Eats in a kibandaski, takes bodas, barely dresses well and girls who know him refer to him as ‘the broke white dude’. He’s on a tight budget and it’s evident.
Image: youtube.com
4. The K.C
Not to be confused with number 3, the Kenyan Cowboy (K.C) is the one that was born here. He’s probably an old British guy, whose parents were here during the colonial era. Chances are, he lives in the leafy suburbs of Karen, walks around with a lot of self entitlement…remember Ruto’s pilot scandal? Yeah…that type!
5. The sign language guy
He’s fresh off the streets of the great land of America. He just landed in Africa…is super astonished that there are skyscrapers in Kenia and uses sign language to address people when looking for direction. “Excuse me…where can I find an ATM?” He asks as he draws an imaginary box, not quite sure, you really understand what he means.
6. The fun lovable guy
This guy blends in so well. He’s the kind that comes to Kenya and prefers to spend time with Kenyans, doing Kenyan stuff rather than hanging with his fellow white folks. Everyone loves the fun guy, he’s friendly, respects people, has even learned how to dance to Nyongwa…
7. The ignorant guy
He will ask all the annoying questions. “So is that your real hair?” “Do you African girls wear weaves because you don’t feel beautiful in your own skin?” He’s also the kind that refers to a specific country as Africa…”OMG when I told my family that I was coming to Africa….they were like dude!!! You’re gonna get AIDS be careful in Africa”
Image : giphy.com
8. The pervert
This one thinks every black girl wants him just because he’s white. You’ll find this type in clubs such as Black Diamond looking for a night of heavy debauchery. The pervert’s Tinder is literally on fire…matches left right and center.
Image: Glee.Wikia
9. The sponsor
He’s way older, has some top dollar and you’ll find him with a Kenyan girl almost half his age. We are really not here to judge, do you my friends, life is short!
Photo: Ray Style’s Hand
10. Mr. Steal your girl
He is super hot, probably blonde, with blue eyes and a panty-dropping accent; girls literally throw themselves at him and he knows it. He has no trouble getting laid. He doesn’t even need to wink or do that sexy move where they push the hair back with the hand looking like a model in a deodorant commercial. Girls, do not, I repeat, do not fall for this guy. You will just get your heart broken. He’ll probably sleep around as much as he wants then go back and marry his fellow countrywoman. Shauri yako.
Photo By: Marco Onofri
11. The interracial family man
Aw! This is that guy who has settled in Kenya and has a lovely Kenyan wife and a couple of kids. He seems like a loving family man, you can’t even hate…
IDoGhana/Instagram
12. The tourist
He’s here simply to tour…he’s been to all the cliche spots, The Mara, Hell’s Gate Diani and the rest. This is the pure cliche tourist who will not leave the country without buying a ton of over priced artifacts from Maasai market not forgetting the famous t-shirt that reads ‘MZUNGU’. He walks around with his huge ass camera and a backpack carried on the front side cause he’s obviously researched a lot about Kenya, has heard of our Nairoberry nickname and is not taking any chances of being robbed.
Image: cafepress.co.uk
13. Mr. wall street
The name? Well, it just came to my mind don’t think too much about it. Mr. Wall Street has a fancy job, is no-nonsense, very career driven, probably drives a car with the very much coveted red plates and you’ll find him in all the upscale events like parties at the ambassador’s house, Fashion High Tea or polo derbies. He always dresses to kill, owns a pair of monk strap shoes and a Ralph Lauren blazer. He’s a globe trotter too…doesn’t like small talk…ladies swoon over him.
Image: Mr World TV
