Nairobi women mostly share the same self-doubts: “I’m fat”, “I’m past my prime”, “He doesn’t appreciate me for my mind”, “He’s going to use me”, My hair looks bad!”, “I’ve been single for too long”, “I hope guys can see how smart I am”, “I hope he doesn’t think I’m a easy”, “She’s wearing the same skirt as me!”, etc etc. And most importantly of all, “My accent doesn’t sound cool enough”.
In an effort to fix the latter, they try to sound different. Most of them end up overdoing it, but the worst case scenarios are found in these estates.
Westlands
Look around you closely. The most annoying female work colleagues, the most rude receptionist in fancy offices, the most confrontational, aggressive females in clubs all share two traits— they live in Westlands and they have fake accents.
Women in this hood are strongly obsessed with foreign celebrity culture and the high life even when they have no money hence the reason for their adapted sounds If you want a Westlands girl to revert back to her true accent, make her drunk. She will rant like a Kikuyu potato farmer from Molo.
Umoja
Here, you will find girls that look like Mugabe but talk like Theresa May. I literally want to shove paperballs in the mouths of Umoja girls every time I hear them trying to speak like they grew up in Nottingham. They have the fakest of accents. They are simply not experts at “pulling it off.” If you want to know if an Umoja chick’s accent is fake, just keep the conversation going for an hour. Once in a while, you’ll hear her shrubbing or giving up and going back to her Eastlando ways
Lang’ata
No woman in all of human history has ever sounded better with a fake accent than she would with a natural one. Despite this irrefutable fact, Lang’ata women are adopting cartoonish voices in greater numbers every day. You will hear them practicing their fake accents over the phone while seating in matatus during traffic jams. Their real accents always come out when the conductor delays with their balance.
In a way, Lang’ata guys can be put to blame. They are known to overspend on everything (many pay over 10K for shoddy looking SQs) and desire high class ladies that they can’t even maintain. So all these voice modifications by chicks there could be construed as an effort to blend invisibly into the muddying waters created by the males, so they can reap the benefits.
Nyayo Estate
The accents of Nyayo women are damaged beyond repair. Dear ‘Nyayo Estate’ women. Just because you have enough left-over attractiveness to remain approachable after incorporating autotune in your voices doesn’t mean you wouldn’t sound better without. That’s right. Some Nyao women are too much that they sound like Future or Alkaline.
Adams Arcade
Women who live along Adams even cough and sneeze with accents. Like “Oh my gosh…I just sneezed. Can you believe that?” Chicks from this hood have a burning desire for attention, but in our increasingly comoditized society, it’s becoming harder to stand out from the crowd. 200 likes on a semi-nude Instagram pic is no longer enough. There are girls that get 1000 likes on a pic yet they aren’t even celebrities . So chicks from around Adams have resorted to extreme measures to stand out.
