We don’t have high school classes on how not to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend. They teach us the biology of sex or the legality of marriage but they don’t really teach us how to listen to our partner or how to share our feelings with her in a constructive and healthy way.
Part of the problem is that really many toxic habits in couple relationships are integrated into our culture as something normal.
We end up seeing a couple as something to satisfy our personal desires and needs and not as someone to share our life with.
A lot of self-help literature is not useful either as it stays in general and unrealistic aspects. And besides, for sure most of us dad and mom were not the best examples either.7
Here are the 6 most common habits in relationships that many couples think are normal, but are actually toxic and destroy everything we hold dear.
1. THE “AND YOU MORE”
It’s when your partner continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both of you start doing it, it becomes what I call the phenomenon “and you more” and in the end it turns into a battle to see who has screwed up the most during the time you have been together and therefore who owes the other person the most.
The “and you more” develops over time because one or both people in the relationship use past mistakes to justify their current attitude. This is fatal for 2 things, not only are you deflecting the current problem itself, but you are also manipulating your partner in the present to feel guilty about things from the past.
2. INDIRECT AND OTHER PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ATTACKS
Rather than openly expressing something you want or think, you are trying to push your partner in the right direction to figure it out . Instead of saying what really bothers you, you find mean little ways to make your partner feel bad so you can justify your complaints about it.
Because it shows that you are not able to have clear and honest communication between yourself. A person does not have to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing their emotions, whether they are anger, joy or sadness.
3. SLAVE THE RELATIONSHIP
When a person has a small problem or complaint about something and blackmails their partner by threatening the entire relationship.
For example, if your partner feels like you’ve been cold to him instead of saying, “I feel like you’re a little cold to me sometimes,” he says, “I can’t date someone who’s cold to me.”
It’s emotional blackmail and creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every small inconvenience in the relationship is a huge crisis and that destroys all stability and emotional security in the people who make up the couple.
If you cannot communicate your thoughts and feelings openly and safely, in the end you will end up repressing them and that will lead to an atmosphere of mistrust and manipulation in the relationship.
4. BLAME YOUR PARTNER FOR YOUR OWN EMOTIONS
Let’s imagine you are having a bad day and your partner is not exactly understanding at the moment. He/she doesn’t stop talking on the phone and when you went to hug, seemed distracted by something else. You just want to stay home with him/her watching a movie, but he has dinner/she plans with friends.
So you start attacking for being so insensitive to you. You’re having a shitty day and hasn’t done anything about it. Obviously you didn’t even ask , but should have realized that you’re wrong and done something to make you feel better. He/she should have gone from his phone and canceled his plans to stay with you.
Blaming our partner for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness and a clear example that you are not clear about your personal limits. If you make your partner responsible for your emotions, you will both end up developing codependency.
5. THE LOVING ZEALS
Get angry when your partner talks, touches, calls, messages, hangs out, or sneezes in the vicinity of another person and then downplays trying to control their behavior.
This usually leads to toxic behaviors such as hacking into your partner’s email accounts, gossiping over their mobile phone while they shower, or even following and appearing without notifying them when they weren’t expecting you.
I’m concerned that some people describe it as a kind of show of affection. They understand that if there is no jealousy there is no love, and this is complete madness.
6. BUY THE SOLUTIONS
Every time a conflict or major problem arises in the relationship, instead of solving it, it is masked with the emotion and feelings that arise when buying something new or going on a trip somewhere.
Not only does it sweep problems under the rug (where bigger and bigger will come back), but it establishes an unhealthy habit in the relationship. Imagine that a woman every time she gets mad at her boyfriend, the man “solves” the problem by inviting her to dinner at an incredible place or buying him something expensive.
