Last Saturday,all roads led to Meru for what can now be easily classified as the biggest concert of 2016. Much better than anything you’ve attended since January – and definitely much more memorable.
It was the much-hyped Diamond Platnumz concert in Meru that saw two media houses nastily lunge at each other’s necks over bragging and exclusivity rights.
Scared of Citizen TV’s ruthless dominance of the airwaves,KTN fired off a stern warning letter to the Royal Media guys warning him against hosting Diamond or broadcasting any interview of him on their channel.
Standard Group,apparently,were the official media partners of the Diamond event and there’s no way they were going to let the notoriously popular guys from Communication Centre,Hurlingham hog the limelight and state a coup right under their noses.
Working with a very shrewd and no-nonsense lawyer,Citizen TV was scared stiff and they had to immediately shelve any plans of hosting the King of Bongo. Even an earlier-recorded interview of Diamond with Lulu Hassan had to be scraped at the last minute as Lulu ruefully announced on air that she wouldn’t be airing the much-anticipated for sit-down after all.
It was a weekend of much drama and adrenaline… Caused by who has slowly become a true African living legend,Diamond Platnumz aka Chibu Dangote
He did air on the popular Betty Kyalo news show,finally. But after a very stiff legal war had been fought – and bloodily won – behind the scenes.
What makes two otherwise-genial media houses almost go to war over a simple musician,you might ask.
Well,here’s why Diamond Platnumz is worth fighting over. Literally.
I drove for six straight hours from Nairobi to Meru. Yes,SIX.
Meru is far. Not a little far. It’s just FAR.
The traffic from Juja to Thika was absolutely insane. It literally ground to a halt as there was absolutely no freaking movement for over an hour and a half.
We just sat in the car and even turned it off. It made no sense leaving your engine running for over an hour of no goddam movement.
Things did clear up though and it was a smooth ride until around some place called Kambiti… Just past Keno where again,things became monstrous.
There was a minor accident for every ten kilometers across the whole stretch.
And as we maneuvered some mess that had been caused by an apparently-stupid accident, that saw one saloon car swept off the road and perched on a little Hill,we noticed a black sports car that had either broken down or just knocked down.
We saw some guys trying to fix it. And as one of the guys arise to love around the car and check it out,we realized who it was ; Colonel Mustafa,the Ogopa DJ’s rapper formerly of Deux Vultures.
We hooted and hollered ‘Mustafa’. And drove off.
Rest of the journey was drama-free. Thank Goodness.
We flew past Mwea and past Embu and past Runyenjes and past Chuka and past Igoji and past Chogoria and past Tharaka and past Nkubu without making even the slightest stopover.
We were hungry as f**k and terribly needed to pee. Or take a couple pics. But no,everything had to wait. You don’t want to drive to Meru in the night.
The distance from Chuka to Meru is one of the most dangerous roads ever invented – it’s a whole steep stretch if Hills and valleys and corners and bends and bridges and rivers and hills and dangers and also the road that features the notorious national black spot – Nithi Bridge.
We didn’t want to die. Didn’t want to plunge into a river and definitely didn’t want the darkness to catch up with us before we’d made our way around those demonic curves and bends.
And then I saw a huge – and very scary – billboard horrifically written ;
DANGER! YOU MUST SLOW DOWN! THIS IS THE NITHI BLACK SPOT. YOU MUST SLOW DOWN. YOU MUST SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! YOU MUST! DANGER!
Man! I’ve never been that scared if driving. Ever.
“Cabu Gah slow down aki. Twende na speed ya 30. Ama hata 20. Please please! ” Martin Oduor,one of Ghafla writers fearfully implored me.
I’ve never driven that slowly. Ever. Waaaaah.
The Nithi Bridge has killed more people in history than the entire regimes of Idi Amin and Slobodan Milosevic combined.
Yeeeaaaayyyy. We’re in Meru! Finally!
The traffic from Meru town to Meru Polytechnic University was absolutely insane. Just freaking terrible. It took us a while 45 minutes to cover a 10-minute stretch.
There were cars and cars and cars and cars from Meru town to infinity. Hundreds of mathaskanking cars.
First,we stopped pulled over at Makutano to book a room where we’d retire after the long night ahead of us. We found perfect rooms and booked.
It’s now time to PAAAARRRRTYYYYY.
“Huku parking imenjaa mbratha… Huwesi park ndani… “a soldier manning the Meru Polytechnic gate says to me in a very distinctive Meru accent.
“Imenjaa. Hata mutu haoni mwiso wa mangari… ” he added.
I had to park across the college… Next to hundreds of other cars. I hate parking in the open. Sucks.
The queue leading to the venue is terribly long. Starts from here to Massachusetts,America.
I call Keyfar,one of the Watanashati Crew members (the guys who brought Diamond to Kenya) and ask him to kindly pick me at the gate.
Keyfar takes sixteen years before showing up. He’s busier than sixteen bees in sixteen honey farms.
“Simama huko! Kama hauna ticket simama huko! ” some rude-as-hell female cop us yelling at everyone.
” Na kama hauna pesa enda ukalale. If you have no money go warm your bed! ” another male cop yells.
Fuckin assholes.
The crowd around the gate has ballooned. It’s commotion allover… Crowds and crowds are bulging around the gate,crashing into each other,piling over each other. It’s almost becoming a stampede.
Keyfar comes over. He calls me,picks me up and ushers me on.
“Huyu ni Cabu Gah… Ghafla… Cabu Gah Ghafla…. Cabu Gah Ghafla…. ” he keeps repeating at every security point.
I’m feeling like I could address the nation. Haha.
Inside,the action has started. There’s dozens of dancers and artists curtain raising on the stage with a local MC trying his best to liven up the crowd.
It’s cold AF.
We walk over to the VIP gate. I want to walk in but some huge security dude insists on seeing my tickets and asking me some bloody fool maswali.
I. Am. Cabu. Gah. Bitch.
We walk in to the VIP section drama free.
It’s around 11pm. I walk over and buy some five Tusker Cans. Marto doesn’t drink. Awww. I buy my girl some ka-drink I can’t recall the name.
And then we sit through a grueling 3-hour curtain-raising marathon and at around 1.30am,Jalang’o and Fred Omondi walk onto the stage.
Crowd goes wild. Jalang’o hypes up the masses like the true hyping legend he undoubtedly is.
We are sweating like a maafaka. The cold is gone!
An hour later,it’s time for the Kenyan King of Pop….. Namelessssssssssssssssss!
Jeezuz Christ I love me some Nameless. He’s so classy. So legendary. Such a freaking star. So sexy. So big. So evergreen. So beloved. He’s the greatest and the bestest Kenyan will ever have.
Nameless tears up the place. Dancing his life away and almost wrecking the stage.
Hit after hit after hit,Nameless is a King in every sense of the word. Pure musical royalty.
And noooowwww…. Without further ado,put your hands together for the President of Wasafi Diamond Platnuuuuummmmzzzz!
Oh. My. God.
Crowds goes bonkers. Girls lose themselves. Crowds invade the VIP section. Girls are screaming and yelling themselves lame. The whole field descends into lawlessness and it almost becomes a maddening rampage. The people are roaring and clapping insanely. It’s a total mad house. All in the name of Diamond.
I see three police chase cars drive into the backstage… And then I see some three male dancers jump on to the stage…. And then I see the legend himself, Diamond Platnumz jump into the stage. Clad in a white top with a black sweatshirt underneath it,white sports shoes,two pure gold chains,two pure gold bracelets,a sparkling gold watch,round-framed glasses,a Michael Jackson-esque Fedora hat and a crisply-ironed black blazer.
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A star has just steeped on stage! Meru goes insane!
I’ve never heard such loud screams my whole life. I’ve never been pushed around and shoved aside that much. I’ve Ber seen the kind of hysteria and mass madness that I witnessed.
The shouts were deafening. It was like a desperate scene from an Apocalyptic movie.
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Like the true superstar he is,Diamond tore through a frenzied marathon of all of his best hits. From Mbagala to Lala Salama to the oldest of his songs.
Everyone is singing along. Word by word by word.
And then after six songs,Diamond removes his sunglasses and asks,
“Tuendelee and tuende tukalale? ” crowd yells” TUENDELEEEEE! ”
He throws his sunglasses to the ground,chucks off the Blazer and screams,
” Haaaya! Wacha show ianze sasa! ”
Crowds goes wild. Like, super wild.
After another six songs,the swaggering African superstar says
” Tuko hapa mpaka asubui. Siendi kulala mimi. Nacheza ngoma zangu zote. Hata mchana ikitupata hapa mie sina shida… Sitoki Meru mimi! ”
Crowd roars. Girls scream. Everyone has their smartphone out… Recording this unforgettable moment of history.
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This is Diamond fu**in Platnumz. He’s the KING!!!!
” Usiniulize kwa nini…. sababu utanizingua…. ” He croons…
” Wangari wanataka kulewa? ” he yells to the supercharged crowd.
All hell breaks loose! Oh. My. Freaking. God.
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He then launches into ‘Ukimwona’ and then ‘Mdogo Mdogo’ and then ‘Kesho’ a song then ‘Nasema Nawe’ and then ‘Make Me Sing’ and then ‘Utanipenda’ and then ‘Ntampata Wapi’ and he goes on and on and on…
It’s been two hours since Diamond stepped on the stage. And he’s still on the stage. It’s 4. 30am in the morning. And Diamond has no plans of going anywhere.
“Baby Oh Nanaaa…. ” he starts.
My. Goodness.
He’s sweating and panting and still dancing.
This dude is super human. A goddam power machine.
All hail King Diamond. Born
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By the time he’s performing ‘Number One…’ and ‘Zigo…’ if you’ve ever had any doubt who this man is,your doubts were cleared that day.
Never have I ever seen a musician perform the kind of incredible musical miracles I saw with Diamond.
He was born Naseeb Abdul Juma. He will die an icon,a supernova that will forever be remembered. And ever and ever.
Amen.
