If you are a member of the male gender, and you somehow manage to put someone’s daughter in the family way, and a wailing, pooping, peeing baby boy pops, following are ten practical things you must teach that little fellow.
- Never walk around smelling like a goat. This doesn’t mean perfuming yourself loudly like Congolese gigolo. But that armpit, those teeth, scrub them, boy. If they stink, they keep away the girls and interfere with career growth much more than if your head come packed with a cockroach’s brain.
- Women lie that they measure a man by his watch, belt and shoes. Sorry, son, but that was vogue in the days of Vasco Da Gama. Invest in decent boxers. You can have the coolest belt, watch and shoes, but if you strip to torn, orange coloured boxers, her great grandchildren will hear about it. Plus there is nothing as bad as being caught in a traffic accident with dodgy underwear. And oh…Never, ever sleep in your birthday suit. You are not in Canada, my friend. Here, anything can happen at night. Bomb blast, fire, majambazi… you don’t want to be the guy dangling it down a well-lit street at full throttle on rain-drenched night.
- She will cheat on you. Oh yeah. Women don’t love you because you are the most handsome, virile and endowed thing on two legs since King Solomon. There will always be bigger, better looking and smarter men than you are. But you know, women are sweet. They will pick the most useless scumbag that ever lived and shower him with unending love. That could be you. That could be the guy they cheat on you with.
- I know this is difficult, but never go fiddling in her handbag. Don’t scrawl through her phone. Don’t rummage through her email. Don’t stalk her. Don’t call to ask, “Uko wapi? Utakuja saa ngapi? Ulikuwa na nani? You are a man for Christ’s sake. Act like one. And that includes stopping whatever the heck you are doing when a girl you’ve taken on a date, and she is a lil’ tipsy says no. It is a thin line. Her ‘no’ could mean ‘yes’. But then it could also mean a no. Rip anything off when she says ‘no’ makes you a rapist.
- Don’t you ever call an FM radio station to complain about your woman. Don’t be caught dead chatting with a relationship counsellor. Most times, the people whose advice you seek are in worse trouble than you are. If you have been dumped, cheated on, slapped, bewitched or whatever, hiyo ni shauri yako. Chin up, fix it or take a walk.
- Don’t you ever pop blue pills to wake up sleeping dogs unless the doctor so orders. If the shameless little tadpole refuses to roar to the occasion, turn your back and sleep. Sex is not food. Your brain is not tucked below the belt and as women themselves say, sex is overrated. You honestly can’t spend hours in the sack grunting and sweating like a pig when other men are making money, reading nice books or drinking fine whisky.
- You are not playing marbles. If you don’t use protection, you will knock up the sharpshooting Flying Squad sergeant’s daughter. Use the bloody sheath, darn it!
- Don’t believe everything your mum says. You are not half the handsome, intelligent, strong, powerful man she claims you are. Truth is you are most likely just an average looking Joe with a pea brain like the rest of the male species. So don’t strut around like you own the earth. You are dispensable. If you dropped down dead today, there will be a brainier chap sitting at your desk in two weeks and all the girls will be giggling and going weak in the knees when he is 30 metres away. That’s just how it goes.
- This one I learnt from my father: A man never hurries to his home. Walk, drive, ride, and cycle home leisurely. You are going to your home, right? What then is the hurry? Note, however, that this rule ceases to apply if gangsters, dogs, cops or a jilted husband is running after you with intent to commit a felony.
- Last, boy, don’t waste your time searching for some confounded thing called the G-Spot. It could exist, or maybe it’s just a rumour. Who cares? For years, we didn’t know that massive oil deposits lay beneath the earth in Turkana. It didn’t kill us. What history teachers will never tell you is that when the explorer Sir Henry Morton Stanley came to Africa, British Intelligence laid out an elaborate lie that he was searching for the source of the River Nile. I can tell you without fear of contradiction that he was looking for the G-Spot. He never found it.
