It was all horror and panic as Vera Sidika’s heaving pair of massive, gravity-defying, torpedo-shaped breasts fell off her chest inside a Boeing plane just as it was about to take-off at an airport in Guangzhou, China . The socialite who has been hopping around the Asian nation over the past few days was about to fly back to Nairobi when her boobies decided to pull a Raila-esque demonstration
Chaos erupted inside the Business class cabin when other passengers suddenly got treated to the near unbelievable level of mammarian visibility. I’m talking kids jumping to their arms of their mamas, grandmothers screaming with screeching soprano voices and hostesses making frantic calls in an effort to try and contain the situation.
Eye witness reports state that the undulating globes, fell to the floor, then leaped skywards before going back down again with a resounding bounce, The breasts which had existed only in the imaginations of common men and the memories of sponsors were now lying on the floor in full exposure and display. For once, they were no longer obscured by an expensive Louis Vuitton top.
As a result of the incident, Vera was evacuated from the plane and rushed to a nearby hospital.
Speaking in response to allegations, she said she believed it was the screws attaching her breasts to her chest that had become loose as a result of excessive fondling by her sponsors.
“Kwanza ule sonko wangu wa Dubai alikua anazishika ni ka anakamua ng’ombe. Alafu ule mwingine wa Nigeria alikua anazivuta ni kama anachuna maembe.”
But new information reaching us states that doctors in Guangzhou have figured out a whole new and sensible reason for the rare occurrence
According to the medical personnel who attended to Vera, the silicon breasts were way past their expiry date. Dr. Chang, a plastic surgeon, confirmed that a tattoo below the left nipple clearly read ‘Best Before 5/5/2016’. This means that Vera was still donning the pair for close to two weeks after their expiry date, causing them to rot and fall.
It truly is a sad ending to the pair. Wowing audiences with their unique mix of shapeliness and heft, the large curvaceous mammaries had captured the hearts and minds of breast loving Africans for a very long time.
As for now, Vera is considering asking for contributions from Kenyans to enable her buy new breasts. She is already liasing with Bikozulu (Master of Online Harambees) to set up the Saidia Sidika Fund with the hashtag #SaidiaVeeBeby
“Each year, millions of lives are affected by Vera’s breasts”, wrote Bikozulu in a blog post. “With their bouncy, friendly exterior and deeper underlying plasticity, these breasts are of great value to all of us. People of all ages, colors and creeds are susceptible to them. Now it’s just a matter of getting this issue out there for everyone to know and assist in any way they can. It’s time Kenyans truly recognized the full size and scope of this devastating tragedy that has hit one of our national icon.”
But no matter the kind of opinion each one of us concerning the issue, one thing is for certain: We will continue to hold this large pair of breasts close to our hearts. One important lesson to young girls has come up though. Don’t use technology to further your booby goals. No matter how tiny they are, be proud of them.
