We do not have classes in high school about not being a boyfriend or a fucking girlfriend. They teach us the biology of sex or the legality of marriage but they do not really teach us how to listen to our partner or how to share our feelings with her in a constructive and healthy way.
Part of the problem is that really many toxic habits in relationships are integrated into our culture as something normal. We end up seeing a couple as something to satisfy our personal desires and needs and not as someone to share our life.
A lot of self-help literature is not useful because it remains in general and unrealistic aspects. And also sure that for most of us, mom and dad were not the best examples either.
Fortunately, there have been many psychological studies on successful and happy relationships that highlight some general principles that continue to emerge with great force and that most people do not know or do not follow.
In fact some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered “normal” in a relationship.
Here are the 6 most common habits in relationships that many couples believe are normal, but in reality are toxic and destroy everything we appreciate.
1. THE “AND YOU MORE”
It’s when your partner continues to blame you for past mistakes made in the relationship. If you both start doing it, it becomes what is called the phenomenon “and you more” and the end becomes a battle to see who has screwed it over during the time you have together and therefore who owes more to the other person.
Why it is toxic: The “and you more” develops over time because one or both people in the relationship use past mistakes to justify their current attitude. This is fatal for 2 things, not only are you diverting the current problem itself, but you are also manipulating your partner in the present to feel guilty about things from the past.
In the end the relationship becomes a waste of energy trying to prove who is less guilty than the other instead of solving the current problem.
What should be done instead: Treat the problems individually one by one. The fact that I have shouted at you in 2015 and today gets angry and ignores you have nothing to do with one another, so do not mention it.
When you want to solve a problem with your partner, look for ways to approach him and unite, try to make him see how you feel and what you think, or why he felt bad about your behavior that day, but not attacks or reproaches.
2. THE INDIRECT AND OTHER PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ATTACKS
Instead of expressing something you want or think, you try to push your partner in the right direction so they can guess it . Instead of saying what really bothers you, you find small petty ways to make your partner feel bad in order to justify your complaints about it.
Why it is toxic: Because it shows that you are not able to have a clear and honest communication between you. A person does not have to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing their emotions, whether they are rage, joy or sadness.
A person will never feel the need to let go of hints if he feels he can express what he thinks or feels without being criticized or judged by his partner.
What should be done in your place: Express your wishes and feelings openly. And let your partner know that you do not have to feel responsible for them, but that you would love to have their support. If they love you, they can almost always give it to you.
3. SLAVERY THE RELATIONSHIP
When a person has a small problem or complaint about something and blackmails their partner by threatening the whole relationship. For example, if your partner feels that you have been cold with him instead of saying to you: “I feel that sometimes you are a bit cold with me” he says: “I cannot go out with someone who is cold with me” .
It’s emotional blackmail and tons of unnecessary drama. Every small inconvenience in the relationship is a huge crisis and that destroys all the stability and emotional security in the people who make up the couple. If you cannot communicate your thoughts and feelings openly and safely in the end you will end up repressing them and that will lead to an atmosphere of distrust and manipulation in the relationship.
What should be done in its place: It is normal to get angry with your partner or that you do not like something. But understand that no matter how committed you are to your partner, you do not have to always like everything about him/her. Nor do you have to be committed to everything related to it.
Sometimes you can get angry with your partner or that you do not like something about her/him. And in fact knowing how to communicate that kind of information constructively and healthily, without judgments attacks or reproaches increases the union and commitment in the relationship.
4. BLAME YOUR COUPLE OF YOUR OWN EMOTIONS
Imagine that you are having a bad day and your partner is not exactly understanding at those times. He/she did not stop talking on the phone and when you went to hug. She/ he seemed distracted by something else. You just want to stay home with your partner watching a movie, but he/she has dinner plans with friends.
So you start attacking them for being so insensitive to you. You’re having a shit day and you have not done anything about it. Obviously you did not even ask him, but he should have realized you’re wrong and done something to make you feel better. He should have switched his phone and canceled his plans to stay with you.
Why it is toxic: Blame on our partner for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness and a clear example that you are not clear about your personal limits. If you make your partner responsible for your emotions, you will both develop codependence.
You will not plan anything without first consulting with you. All home activities, including watching television or reading a book will have to negotiate and be committed to them. When someone gets upset all the staff desires will not matter at all because it is your responsibility that the other feels better.
The biggest problem with these codependent trends is that they generate resentment. It is understandable that my boyfriend gets angry with me because I have had a shitty day and needs attention and understanding.
What is dangerous is to create the expectation that my life revolves around their emotional well being at all times, because this way I will end up being bitter and even manipulative towards their feelings and desires.
What should be done instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to take responsibility for their own. There is a subtle but important difference between being supportive with your partner and being obligated to your partner.
Any sacrifice in a relationship must be made by own and not expecting anything in return. If each person in a relationship is blamed for the mood of their partner, in the end they will end up hiding their own feelings and manipulating each other.
5. Insecurity
What it is: Getting angry when your partner speaks, touches, calls, messages, stays, or sneezes in the vicinity of another person and then you downplay the importance of trying to control their behavior. This usually leads to toxic behaviors such as hacking your partner’s email accounts, gossiping your cell phone while showering or even following and showing up without telling you when it was not waiting for you.
Why it is toxic: I am concerned that some people describe it as a kind of affection. They understand that if there is no jealousy there is no love, and this is complete madness.
It is not love, it is control and manipulation. Create unnecessary drama and tension. Transmits a message of insecurity from the other person. And it is also degrading for oneself. (If a boyfriend cannot trust his lady when she is close to other attractive men be that as it may, that is a man she would not like to be with)
What you should do instead: Trust your partner. Yes, like that. As is. Some jealousy is natural, but excessive jealousy and control towards your partner only show how little and badly you love yourself. Learn to deal with your thoughts and do not force those who are close to you, so you will only get them away from you.
6. BUY THE SOLUTIONS
Whenever a conflict or a major problem in the relationship, instead of solving it, it is covered with the emotion and feelings that arise when buying something new or going on a trip somewhere.
Why it’s toxic: It does not only sweep the problems under the carpet (where they will re-emerge bigger and bigger), but establishes an unhealthy habit in the relationship. Imagine that a woman every time she gets angry with her boyfriend, the man “solves” the problem by inviting her to dine in an incredible place or buying something expensive.
This not only gives the woman an unconscious incentive to find more reasons to get angry with her partner, but it also gives the man the freedom to feel unresponsible for the problems of the relationship. And in the end we ended up having an absent and passive uncle with the relationship and a deeply bitter but superficially happy woman.
What you should do instead: Deal with the real problem. Was the trust broken? Talk about what it would take to get it back. Does anyone feel ignored or despised? Talk about ways to regain affection Communication, communication and more communication!
There is nothing wrong with doing good things for someone you love after an argument. But one should never use gifts or material things to replace emotional problems.
Travel and gifts are considered luxuries for a reason, you can only appreciate them when everything else is already good. If you use them to cover up your problems, you will find a much bigger one in the future.
