Most people who do predictions tell you why they’ll be right. We’re here to tell you why we’re definitely wrong.
Which manager will lose their job first?
Prediction: Mike Phelan, Hull City
Why this prediction will be wrong: This is the obvious call. We know that Hull are looking for a proper manager; we know that Phelan, who will be in charge at the beginning of the season, is a stopgap. So it stands to reason that Alex Ferguson’s former assistant will soon be back in his assistant shorts … until, that is, you look at the fixture list. As well as an injury crisis and a temporary manager, Hull’s first seven games comprise Leicester, Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea and two potentially awkward away games against Swansea City and fellow newly-ups Burnley. It doesn’t take too much imagination to see Hull losing all seven of those, and as such, we don’t think many unemployed managers will be returning Assem Allam’s calls. Phelan might be in this for the long haul.
How many goals will Zlatan Ibrahimovic score?
Prediction: Either 25 or 4
Why this prediction will be wrong: The Zlatan Ibrahimovic Experiment can only go one of two ways, for such is the power of Narrative. Either he scores loads, and the entire nation is overwhelmed by hashtags and topknots and and refurbished Chuck Norris gags, or he scores hardly any and it all looks a bit silly. The thought that he might just score a few — say 12 or so — is simply unconscionable. He is Zlatan! He doesn’t do grey areas! Hubris, or nemesis, and nothing in between! So, yeah, it’s going to be very peculiar when he scores 12.
Where will Arsenal finish?
Prediction: 4th
Why this prediction will be wrong: Arsene Wenger is in a peculiar situation. He’s in the final year of his contract, and hasn’t signed an extension yet. Is that because he’s genuinely considering retirement or a new challenge in a different country? Is that because Arsenal’s board doesn’t actually have faith in him? No one knows! And that uncertainty could cause Arsenal to fall apart like Liverpool, Manchester United and Chelsea before them. There’s no reason to believe they’re immune.
There’s also no reason to believe they can’t win the title, besides the fact that they’re constantly mocked for not doing so. They probably had the best team in the league last year and have added Granit Xhaka, who’s very good. As per usual, Arsenal is a center back and a striker away from being serious contenders.
Title winners
Prediction: Manchester City
Why this prediction will be wrong: Well, of course this prediction is going to be wrong. Manchester United have got Jose Mourinho and Paul Pogba! Chelsea have got Antonio Conte and no Europe to worry about! Tottenham have kept their team together and added squad depth! It’s Liverpool’s year! Arsenal … well, never mind Arsenal. And Leicester. If we were writing this tomorrow we might have said somebody else. The point is: whoever you predict to win the title this season, you will be wrong, and if you end up being right, then it was only by accident. And that doesn’t count.
Top goalscorer
Prediction: Sergio Aguero, Manchester City
Why this prediction will be wrong: Pep “I Love Possession” Guardiola in the dugout, Kevin “I Love Attacking” De Bruyne behind him, David “I Love Through Balls” Silva off to one side … life doesn’t get much better for a striker than having that lot to supply the ammunition, and surely the only thing standing between Sergio Aguero and a 40-goal season is the fact that his hamstrings are cheesestrings. But sadly, his hamstrings are cheesestrings, all beautiful things break, and it’ll probably end up being Harry Kane again.
Best signing
Prediction: N’Golo Kante, Chelsea
Why this prediction will be wrong: Injuries are always a huge threat to players like Kante. Explosive midfielders of his sort always have a short shelf-life, and though he’s very intelligent in reading the game, Conte might — him being a madman and all — ask for him to do too much in terms of running. He’s, by himself alone, an embarrassment of riches and it’s very hard to preserve him when he can do so much. Michael Essien saw the same fate with his cruciate ligament rupture in 2008 and it just piled on from there.
Worst signing
Prediction: Yannick Bolasie, Everton
Why this prediction will be wrong: Because Bolasie’s average games are decent enough that he’s unlikely to get a reputation for being extremely crap. It’s also possible Everton doesn’t actually go through with it. But good lord, £30 million for Yannick Bolasie!
Most red cards
Prediction: Dele Alli, Tottenham Hotspur
Why this prediction will be wrong: Alli did not win this honor last year, but it stands to reason that referees will be less lenient with him now that they’re wise to his tricks and he’s been branded as That Kind Of Player. Alli is, however, an attacking midfielder, and might not get that many opportunities to do red card worthy things. He’d have to be deliberately dirty (which he often is), while defenders often get red cards on accident.
Relegated teams
Prediction: Crystal Palace, Hull City, Burnley
Why this prediction will be wrong: Because Alan Pardew is Lord Voldemort and he will surely have some dark magic ready to help him escape the clutches of relegation in the last few games. That is if he makes it to the end of the season. Crystal Palace were mighty close last season to going down to the Championship and they haven’t done much to improve the team this summer — in fact, they’re about to lose Yannick Bolasie instead. Hull City doesn’t have any players and Burnley will suffer the same fate of many first year teams. But Sunderland and Middlesbrough are still there as well, so it will probably come down to luck in the last few matches. Who knows?
