If you find yourself in Nairobi, these 24 tips are all you need to understand your life.
1) If you stay in rental flats, don’t play loud music. Try to limit the volume of the music within the confines of your house. Don’t assume you are entertaining your neighbour with your latest collections, it is annoying, he could be reading for exams or has a toddler who is trying to sleep.
2) If you are above 30yrs old, never participate in a road race to try and out-compete other presumably inferior cars. That’s stupid and boyish. Stick to the maximum speed limit of 100km/hr and below.
3) The most naïve thing you can do when buying a 2nd hand car in Kenya is to look at it’s mileage. There is no way a 2008 car can have a mileage of 49,000,don’t be silly.
4) If you want to live long, don’t take Kenyan politicians seriously. NEVER EVER….that is my humble piece of advice.
5) If you want to venture into agribusiness, make sure it is large scale. This is one sector that thrives on economies of scale. Planting sugar cane or maize in half an acre and then expecting to make any serious returns is a joke. You will live to blame the weather and the government.
6) Real estate is good but you need to be careful where you are putting up your rentals. If you do it in a very rural area where houses go for 2k, even if you have 10 houses that’s just 20k per month. If the plot cost you 400k and you spent another 400k to put up your single rooms, it will take you 4yrs before you recover your 800k which translates to bullshit.
7) If you are starting those small scale businesses like Milk bar, Kinyozi, Salon, Car wash, pub etc, make sure you invest in a very honest employees and more so your relatives. Some employees can make that place their cash cow.
8. Your family and relatives are some of your most important assets you have. They will stand by you in your most difficult times. Treat them well ALWAYS.
9) The easiest way to lose your long time friend is to lend them money. That’s where problems begin. Never lend anybody an amount you are not willing to lose.
10) Rarely does your employer have your individual interests at heart. They can easily let you go without blinking, just to balance the books. Don’t be overly loyal to your employer.
11) In your work place don’t be the reason why somebody loses their job. Don’t be the reason why some family will sleep hungry, a guy gets auctioned or some old mother in the rural areas is not sent her monthly upkeep. If you must fire somebody, make sure it is VERYVERY VERY necessary. Don’t be trigger happy when it comes to firing guys and putting people on unnecessary PIPs, some prayers and tears can haunt you.
12) Don’t give an Insurance guy your phone number if you are not yet ready to take a policy with them. There can be a pain if they keep on calling you yet your aim was to excite them.
13) Never keep your eyes off boiling milk even for 5 seconds. The entire carpet will be socked if you stay in a bedsitter like yours truly.
14) READ READ READ. Make it a habit to read books, magazines, blogs etc. It will save you from uncomfortable and awkward silences in round table meetings or dinner dates coz a well read person will always have something to say.
15) High School and College grades are very irrelevant out here. Don’t expect life to treat you with a safe pair of gloves just because u scored A’s or u were good in cramming a certain professor’s notes. Lose that sense of entitlement and hustle hard like everyone else lest you die poor.
16) There will never be the right time to buy a car if you have Kenyan relatives. If you buy it without a plot, they will be like, si angenunua shamba kwanza, if you already have a plot, they will be like, si angejenga kwanza and if you have a house they will be like hiyo pesa angemwaga mawe ya rentals kwanza. Before you know it, you are 55% without a car.
17) Office drink buddies and relationships can drain your pockets faster than you know it. Approach those two with some moderation and open eyes.18) Always let your wife make all hiring and firing decisions about househelps. Never ever be seen to be siding with your househelp. NEVER.
19) Buy a power bank. It can safe anyone in time of emergency 20) Never let your power tokens go below 20 before refilling them.
21) If you are a man, never be caught scrambling for wedding cakes, birthday cakes or be seen walking in town carrying a pizza box. It is a very ugly picture to us guys.
22) Always have some small money in your M-PESA account.
23) Never ever ask a young couple why they don’t have kids yet.
24) Be careful with what you listen to , what you read and what you watch frequently. These three have a big impact on the kind of person you become. I did a small 5 months experiment of joining a certain facebook group and within a few days the following words were part of my new vocabulary; nunu,lolo,toothpick etc,it is also a page that demeans single mums a lot. If you stay there longer the abnormal will become normal.